A Blog about Life and Loss

On Grief

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 21:38:16 -0700

I’m reading “Black Lamb and Grey Falcon” by the wonderful writer Rebecca West (1892 - 1983). Part travelogue, part history lesson, part philosophy, she writes of her visit to the Balkans on the eve of WWII.

The following passage caught my heart - such a rich description of grief. She is writing about the myth of Cadmus and his wife, who asked the gods that they be transformed into snakes because they were so distraught over the misfortunes of their children, who were persecuted by Hera.

West writes: “This is an apt symbol of the numbness that comes on the broken-hearted. They become wise; they find comfort in old companionship; but they lose the old human anatomy, the sensations no longer follow the paths of the nerves, the muscles no longer offer their multifold reaction to the behests of the brain; there is no longer a stout fortress of bones, there is nothing but a long sliding, writhing sorrow.”

A Question about Suicide

Fri, 9 May 2008 12:53:31 -0700

*note: all names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of the writer

Subject: Suicide

Question: My best friend committed suicide 3 years ago. I have been unable to deal with it, I think about what he did (hung himself) and I break down. It is so horrible, imagining it is so painful. Did he feel so lost and alone and depressed that he felt there was no other way? I don't understand. I pray for him to be at peace. Thank you for your time. Naomi

Answer:
Dear Naomi
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your friend. I hope that I can be of help to you.

In my experience, when there is a death through suicide, there are many mixed emotions, some of which have to do with the one who died, and some that directly affect how you think about your own life.

It's easy to get stuck in feeling guilty that you couldn't prevent the death. And it's also typical to feel haunted by the event.

In the 14 years since my husband died and from the many conversations I've had and thinking that I've done, this is what I've come to believe:

After someone dies, they go back to who they truly are, to their true spiritual self, the highly evolved and pure being that they were when they first came to this earth. They are no longer the one in pain, and in fact, they have by now learned where they got off track and lost on their life journey.

In other words, I do believe that he is at peace and in fact, his loving energy is available to you if you only shift your focus.

Since your friend is no longer that person who struggled and felt depressed and worthless, it is pointless for you to still "work that energy."

The healthiest thing for you to do now, is to put your energy into what was--and is, initially true about him. Cherish that memory and honor who he truly was and is now. Send him love when you think about him, wish him well, and ask him for help in finding peace yourself over the event.

You might consider doing a cleansing ritual for him, to bring your awareness into a different kind of energy--positive and loving, rather than negative and sad.

Does this make sense? Please write again if I am not clear; I hope this is helpful.

All the best to you,
Rondi Lightmark

Fear of Death

Thu, 1 May 2008 21:14:36 -0700

Name: Chris

Subject: Fear

Question: I have a problem, I am 17 yrs old and I am not totally paranoid but close to being paranoid about death. Every time my mom or dad leave for an errand I also say a little prayer for them to come back. I am always thinking about worst case scenarios. On top of that I bet my life I cannot go through the loss of someone i know because just thinking about losing someone in my family or friends brings me to tears and sometimes a hysterical crying. I haven’t told anyone because i feel like it's silly. This started recently and before it seemed like death was non existent and one day it hit me and that's when i started doing little rituals like saying a little prayer before someone leaves the house or goes to the store. In the middle of the night i also get up to check the doors are locked and even if i have the slightest doubt of something being dangerous i get really anxious. I think i need psychological help but i don’t know, is it just a phase? will i get over it? what can i do?

Answer: Dear Chris;
It is sort of an awakening, becoming 17 and suddenly realizing that life is much bigger, less predictable, and more mysterious than you had ever imagined. Obviously you are a sensitive person, so this realization has hit you pretty hard. In today's culture, it's especially difficult, because there is so much violence in the media that we can hardly get away from the fears that are part of the world we live in.

It's not easy to come to terms with death. The best way that I know of, is to test yourself, because during your lifetime, there will be many hard tests-- losses, disappointments, fears. And when you learn that you can face those and survive, you gradually grow in wisdom and strength and then the idea of death does not seem so overwhelming.

This is one reason why Native Americans, for example, would do a vision quest--staying out in nature alone for 3 days and nights without food. Knowing what you are capable of is such an important lesson.

I suggest that you think of something hard to do--like go blindfolded for part of a day, or sit by your window or outside and watching the day turn into night, or go without speaking for a day. Pick an exercise that is a little bit of a challenge for you. And set a time, however long you're going to do it. And keep a journal, so you can remember everything that you thought and felt during that time.

The other thing that you can do is to call on a family member who is no longer alive to be your guardian angel, and to help you feel strong when you are afraid. When you are worried about losing someone, call on that family member, or on your guardian angel (however you imagine this Being), or on God, if you have a relationship with God, and ask for help in dealing with your fears.

It also helps to change fear into love: when you are afraid, use your imagination to put a protective blanket of love around the person that you are thinking about. You can also imagine your guardian angel putting one around you.

We are so much more powerful that we realize, and in today's world, we tend instead to feel helpless. Challenge yourself to grow strong, Chris, and you will see that you will learn a lifelong lesson that you will be able to use over and over in the years to come.

I hope that my answer is helpful to you. Please write again if you have more questions. If the fears continue, I strongly suggest you talk with your parents or with a counselor at your school.

Blessings,
Rondi Lightmark

Feel Guilty about My Aunt’s Death

Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:07:18 -0700

Name: Geordie

Subject: My aunt

Question: Back in January, my aunt died of a heart attack. I really took her for granted while she was alive and feel awful now because raised me from the time I was a baby until she died. I'm 15. Just about every day I stop and think about her, then at night I cry. I am so depressed some nights I can’t stand it. Then, when I go to sleep she’s always in my dreams. I sometimes feel as though I’m not making her proud. Can you please help me understand what’s going on?

Answer: Dear Geordie
Thank you for writing to me. It sounds like you had a guardian angel while you were young and you still have one. This is what you need to realize about your aunt. Think what would have happened to you if she had not been there for you when you were little! You were blessed. And you still are. What you need to do is to let go of your guilt and start putting energy into giving thanks and sending her love. We are not alone in life and too few of us realize this. The dead are always there to watch over us and care about us. And love from us is like food for them. So you do have a way to give back to her, even though she is dead.

Before you go to bed each night, take a moment to thank your aunt for being there for you and send her love. Don't put energy into worrying about whether you're making her proud; guilt is negative and useless. Asking for help as you try to make your way in life is what you need to do. If you screw up, ask for help. You'll always be loved, no matter what you do.

And if you dream about her, recognize that she is there to comfort you, not to make you feel guilty.

So those are the three things: 1. Give thanks for her presence; 2. Send her all the love you can from your heart; and 3. Ask for her help as you continue to grow in life.

You will find that you will become strong and courageous, knowing that you have her support, instead of sad and guilty.

And that's all that she would want of you.

Blessings to you, and write again if I can help in any way further,
Rondi Lightmark

Remembering John O'Donohue

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 22:15:19 -0700

I just learned the exquisite poet John O’Donohue died last month. Here is one of his poems:

'May there be some beautiful surprise  Waiting for you inside death Something you never knew or felt, Which with one simple touch Absolves you of all loneliness and loss, As you quicken within the embrace For which your soul was eternally made.
'May your heart be speechless At the sight of the truth Of all your belief had hoped, Your heart breathless In the light and lightness Where each and every thing Is at last its true self Within that serene belonging That dwells beside us On the other side Of what we see.'